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[05 Mar 2005|11:34pm] |
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ashlee simpson |
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being a lesbian in Salinas has got to be the weirdest shyt i have been through. its nothing like being gay in Los Angeles. Dated a couple of females, and didnt really work out. WIERDOS....i swear, everything seems fine, they tell me how much they like me or whatever....then out of no where POOF! theyre gone. it must be something im doing or saying....i dont even know. but whatever, i think im kinda used to being lonely....now.
so im going to school for criminal justice...wow! that was a change of gear right? lol...its all good... im really into this :)
last night i went to the club for the first time ever since i moved to the central coast. it was fun, went with a girl that i really like, and i think that was the night she realized she didnt like me! :\ she hasnt called..... i should really sit down and think about what im doing wrong...or maybe i should just stop trying so hard? I dont even know.....
downelink is still down, they said it would be up today at 5pm...but its not...and i miss it...i need to write some thoughts in there!!! im going crazy without it!!! i remember when i was addicted to THIS site...so crazy.
god, i just need someone to come lay down with me and hold me. Bernie was doing a really good job at it....i dont know what heppened with her....UGH!
anyway, enough with my lesbo drama.
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[07 Dec 2004|04:09pm] |
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My Prayer - Devotion |
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so here's the thing. I'm leaving! I'm leaving Los Angeles, moving up north to Salinas..
i was really excited about this, because im going to be going to school full time (finally) and because i hate Los Angeles (with a passion). But now, as the day of me driving up there gets closer and closer, i seem be getting so fucken depressed. Plus, my sister just told me that there isnt much of a gay scene up there, if anything, she said people are actually kinda homophobic. So that sounds GREAT! :\
I am thinking it will prolly help me focus with school and everything. So im cool about it.
i guess the reason why im begining to get all depressed and stuff is because im going to be leaving my family and my lovely girlfriend Windy.Its like fuck, i finally realize i DO love someone...and i have to leave her. We've been through so much these past 8 months....little stupid affairs here and there, and we still manage to stay together. I dont know, i guess we will just have to wait and see how this whole long distance thing works out. I'm sure in the end, we will be fine. We've been through TOO much to just let this shyt go now. And when it comes to my family...boy oh boy is THAT the hardest! I've been used to taking care of them for so long. You know, being the adult in the whole damn family. What's going to happen now that im gone? MY LITTLE SISTER CHRISTY! omg, leaving HER has to be the NUMBER ONE reason why im feelin so down. I feel like im gonna miss out in her most important years of her life, the PRE-TEEN and Teenager years.
I just realized that i havent written in here in a while. So maybe i should give you a little update of what's been going on in my crazy life. I managed to curate yet another show for the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Film Festival (OUTFEST) without going crazy, and i must admit that this years show was better than last years. I loved it, and the people seemed to love it too, especially the youth...so that was fucken awsome. I also managed to get to new films done, "Looks Like a Girl" and "Home" had both of the them screened at this years, "FUSION" The People of Color, Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. I was the only one that had two videos as part of the program :) are you proud of me? Another project that i worked on was the Be An Ally Campaign. We launched that project at two different high schools here in Los Angeles, and from what i saw...it was VERY MUCH NEEDED at these schools. If you guys wanna check out what the project is, you can go to www.be-an-ally.org I designed the website also :) so feedback is welcomed.
in other news, I got my second tattoo….its so pretty J I got into TWO car accidents in one week, and I swear….they really werent my fault. Accident #1 --- I was waiting for the fucken light to turn green, and a drunk fucker face crashed into me from behind. Accident #2 – I was waiting to make a right turn, and a big fucken truck backed into me. SO I now drive a REALLY crashed car. It looks like complete shyt. But its ok, im getting another one in a week.
hahaha and you all know me, and what a camera hoe i can be, so here is your picture update! :)
( Read more... )
ok love you guyz! Bye bye
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[04 Nov 2004|01:36pm] |
Saturday, November 20 1:30pm
Panel: Filmmaking 101- From Fundraising to Distribution
A panel of filmmakers, producers and distributors will discuss how to get films made and seen, including doing it yourself, grants, schools, televison and studios.
(im going to be part of this panel...yikes! im nervous!)
FREE ADMISSION!
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Saturday, November 20 4:00pm
"Home" film by Ana Lopez
'SUP, DOC?
From homo-thugs blasting through the DL to Latina baby dykes strapping on guitars and rocking their own wedding reception, queer youth and their advocates use their cameras to chart many avenues toward discovery of self and community.
LOOKS LIKE A GIRL
DIR: Ana Lopez, 2004, USA, video, 10 min.
When the daddy doing the macking is a young Chicana dyke.
HIP HOP HOMOS
DIR: Dave O’Brien, 2004, USA, video, 26 min.
Controversial LA-based out rapper, Deadlee, and fierce raptress, Goddess, show that gay boys and girls don’t only live in hip-hop’s subtext.
FLYING LIKE THE QUETZAL
IIR: Milton Nimatuj, 2004, USA, video, 5 min.
A personal narrative of an activist’s complex identities as he struggles against multiple oppressions.
SAUL SEARCHING
DIR: Lala Endara, 2003, USA, video, 7 min.
Follow teenage FTM Saul through the streets of New York as he muses on his life, struggles and hard won triumphs.
LIFE ON CHRISTOPHER STREET
DIR: Maria Clara, 2002, USA, video, 28 min.
Paris is still burning, only now the soundtrack is rap, Bloods and Crips are in the mix, and vampire fronts are all the rage as young Black and Latino New York street kids allow the curtain to be pulled back on their lives.
OUT OF THE CLOSET
DIR: Arcelia Esparza and Jessica Garcia, USA, video
A teenaged Latino boy living in LA shares his coming out story with unflinching candor.
GENDERATION
DIR: Riku Matsuda, 2004, USA, video, 6 min.
An exploration of gender formation through personal history and family.
HOME
DIR: Ana Lopez, 2004, USA, video, 5 min.
Two Latina rockers celebrate in style as they perform at their own wedding reception.
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WHERE:
Aratani/Japan America Theatre,
Japanese American Community and Cultural Center,
Downtown Los Angeles
you can buy tickets through here:
http://www.ticketweb.com/user/?region=socal&query=schedule&attract=124515
Tickets for this event cost ONLY $8.00! You can also buy the tickets at the door:)
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| PUT ME IN YOUR MOUTH.. |
[18 Oct 2004|04:57pm] |
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no llores mas corazon- selena |
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Highways & LIPService Presents:
PUT ME IN YOUR MOUTH:
Ladies & Gentlemyn Interrupting Queertopia
performance with alison de la cruz, danielle brazell, butchlalis de panochtitlan, naya'rhi suhali, alisa d. berry, sunray
film by ana lopez, chris vargas, aurora guerrero..... (ana lopez is me! yay! lol)
hosted by D'Lo
curated by raquelito gutierrez and coordination by alma carrasco
friday october 29, 2004
8:30PM * $13/$15
at Highways Performance Space
1651 18th Street - Santa Monica 90404
call for reservations at 310.315.1459
Put Me In Your Mouth: Ladies & Gentlemyn Interrupting Queertopia is a sexy muphukkin’ meditation on the loves, lusts, anger and frustration on blast, putting a hiss and crackle into the almost paradise remix that “community” often tries to promise. Put Me In Your Mouth is dictated by desire not imaginary lines, no more rules and regulations around what ya like and who ya like to do it with and where and all that because it’s true that. We are ladies. We are gentlemyn. We are and we are not. We have spaces and we don’t, our lives are not always site-specific. We are fierceness personified. The utopic longings towards oneness as put forth by queers, queer women, queer women of color and the corresponding projects was fine once upon and back in the day…but is it enough anymore?
what they said about me.....
THE FILMMAKER
Ana Lopez is a young fearless sinverguenza, plain and simple. Neon colors and bubblegum complement the fierce cinematix of GAY GIRLS on the PL. She’s been coordinating the youths for Reach LA now for a while and is honing her artistic endeavors as you read this. She was in FUSION film festival last year. She’s probably the most punk rock on the bill…and that’s big in my book.
HOPE TO SEE YALL THERE!!!
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| AHHHH |
[21 Sep 2004|05:34pm] |
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fuck man, im so happy.
thank you Tay :)
shyt man..i hate being happy....cuz after being happy, im always all sad and shyt. UGH...so i rather be in a "whatever mood"
BUT IM FUCKEN HAPPY right now!!
THANKS TAY!
(hopes tay doesnt read this)
(and if you do you betta tell me girl!)
lmao
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| its my party, and ill cry if i want to!!! |
[13 Sep 2004|04:08pm] |
it is so HOTT in here man! the AC is working....but its working really slow. So its gonna take like an hour to start. Anywho, my party was off the HOOK! i told everyone to be there at 6pm....it was around 8pm....and i was ready to start cryin because there was nobody there, well actually i did start cryin, and drinking my coronaz....i was like, "oh well they didnt come, imma get fucked up and cry my ass off" Me and dustin where there all alone sitting in the belcony drinking and being all sad and shyt. After that Nancyz mom came and was like...."arent you gonna cook the chicken?" i was like what for? there is nobody here....then she said i should still cook it just in case everyone came late....i was like ok whatever...i guess nancyz mom brought me good luck or something....right when she said that EVERYONE started coming....one after the other...all my friends were there!!! Then when that happen i wanted to cry again, just because they were all there, and that ment a lot to me...and im a big cry baby . :) So we started partying....we ALL got drunk....YES, WE WERE ALL DRUNK. there wanst a single person in that house that didnt get drunk. Minus the drama that went down, everything went VERY good. Everyone was calling me the day after, to see if i was ok.....and to thank me for being such a good friend :) fuck, Windy gave me this REALLY big birthday card, and everyone signed it....tell me why....when i was reading it i started cryin...fuck man! they all fucken love me!!!! i am so happy to have REAL friends like them.
What I have to say about the drama:
You know, everything that happens in my life, i have come to realize that it usually happens for the best. NO matter what went down and how it went down there are always two sides to every story....some people are quick to place judgement on someone b4 hearing both sides. All i know, is that if i dont feel safe and comfortable being somewhere....im gonna get out. It's just common sense. Why stay somewhere, where you DONT feel welcomed at all. Time and time again, i was warned about this situation....not in a direct way, but warned by little things that I started to analyze, little things that i have always wondered...those little things all started to make sense about two weeks ago. I dont have to sit here and try to prove myself to ANYONE, especially not internet people, which is why i choose not to go into details with about this. The only thing i know, is that in my REAL world...not the internet....i have friends, friends who care a lot about me and who know wassup. These friends i know will stand by me no matter what. Because they know me personally and they know who i really am. I mean, stop and think about this for a second......if someone has a lot of friends, but then you realize that most of their friends are internet friends....why is that? why dont they have real life friends? To end this, last night....when i was driving to denny's to have dinner with my borther we started talking and i come to the conclusion that there is a big mistake that i've been making. The good thing is that i realize this, and that now, i can stop doing it. When I 1st meet anyone, anyone who i know can potentionally become a good friend of mine....i always try and show them right off the bat what a good friend i can be.....i start doing small things here and there....little favors here, little favors there.....I often go out of my way for them. Last night my borther helped me realized that I go WAY OUTTA of my way for friends. That ofcourse they are going to start to take advantage of me, not because their evil or anything.....but because i allow them to. Because they are used to gettin anything the want out of me.....it is not their fault. It is comepletly my fault....because i showed them that they could. Its totally normal for them to start feeling angry towards me when i decided to stop doing what i have done. Because I should have set my boundaries from the START. Its too bad that most people realize what i ment in their lives, until im OUT OF IT.
Now, i feel more at peace with myself. Im moving out to my OWN place by the end of this month, by the start of next year everything in my life should be back on track....new jobs, new car , new place, and believe it or not....im gonna be living the life that many people live....your normal working class life....(thats until i become a superstar! lol) im gonna be happy with that life, because i know i will find happiness in the smaller things in life. Like being able to sit there and play video gamez after work, waking up and eating my fruity pebblez :) driving around in my convertible looking all cute and stuff :) sitting in my room, writing my book....so that it can be published when my ass dies! lol.....going to art openings with my friends....going to video screenings, and passing MY videos out :) hee hee sneaky huh? but yeah....like john lennon."im just sitting here watching the wheel go round and round"
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| MY B DAY!!! |
[09 Sep 2004|09:33am] |
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OYE MI FUCKEN CANTO!!! lol |
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happy birthday to meeeeee, happy birthday to meeeeee, happy birthday lil ME!!!! happy birthday to meeeee!!!! I have to call my sister and wish her a happy birthday too. I wish she could be here with me :( this is the 1st birthday that we're gonna be apart...but its okay...:) gotta keep mah head up! I LOVE YOU LITTLE LIZA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
On a day like this
in a lovely September
a beautiful brown kween was born....
full of grace
made out of sweet suga cane
with the unique gift of
soothing,and hopeful words
along with
"a smile that will light ya life up"
Eyes of a female worrier
a heart so giving, yet so free and wild
with essence, soul and dreams
she was a promising little bundle of joy
unknowing of the great crucial role
she would play
in yearning and wondering souls
She became the light of many eyes
the hope for many lonely
the joy of many sadden by past hurt
and the comfort for aching beings
her tender gestures, her loving ways
and her blunt ways, have made her a
capturing, contagious love.....
She is a walking love....
willing to be your reason to smile
blessed to call her
my girl, my friend....
mah lil asian lookin nucca!!!!
POEM by FATAL
Its still early in the morning and I havent stopped smilin yet. :) So far everyone has made me feel so special!!!!! OMG i love this shyt. This morning a 12am Windy called me to wish me happy b-day......after that, Beca IMed me, then Tiny Locks......then i started wondering where Fatal was and why she wasnt in the damn room wishing me a happy b day!!! the she came in with the best thing ever......IT WAS A SPONGE BOB PILLOW!!! hollah! but the best thing ever was when she read that poem up there.....she wrote that for me:) awwww!!! i love her. Then this morning.....I got a msg from my SUNSHINE <3 and Liz!! :) and Ephesia just called me!! and when i came to work, I had birthday wishes from mah MANAGER!!! woot woot!! i have the best MANAGER ever :) My mom just called me and told me that she would make cook the rice for my birthday party on saturday :) and my little julian just send me a picture of a sign tha said "happy birthday mi amor!"........ So far so good, im loving it...i hope my little BBQ is just as fun as this day has been so far and its only 10AM!!!!! I CANT STOP SMILING!!!!!
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[07 Sep 2004|10:53am] |
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el tra tra tra tra! lol |
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drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs
[[[[[ i dont look different, do i? ]]]]]
nah! you crazy!
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| this weekend |
[07 Sep 2004|10:42am] |
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reggeton sucka! |
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this weekend was REALLY GOOD
*big fucken smile*
cant really say much...but it was good :)
Good timez.....thats wassup.
Next weekend its my birthday BBQ,
if you wanna come, hit me up...i'll give you the addy.
if you wanna meet all of us at the club, we'll prolly end up at Rage...so holla!
oh yeah, this is what i forgot to post b4 t he weekend came up...GOOD NEWS :)
wow, the new stripper at ozz is OFF THE FUCKEN HOOK. I was gonna go get a lap dance from her, but i was honestly scurred.....now you know she was off the hook if I got scurred. Shyt, cuz i aint neva scurred! I could just sit there and watch her do her thang....this girl was not only dancin topless (which is unusual for ozz) but she was on the floor pussy pop and shyt. Damn it! I fucken told fatal, "we betta go dance b4 i start drooling and shyt" this is weird y0! i usually DONT LIKE strippers....they all look the same, and they all do the same old shyt....but her, dang...i want her for my birthday!!! lol
Anyway, so last night we went out......shyt, we havent been going out for a while! we almost forgot what it was like and shyt. It was mostly my fault tho, cuz i wanted to save money and shyt. BUT! we did have a good reason to go out.......
I went out shopping for some jeanz, so i got the size that i usually get right. I was just gonna get it, pay for it...and leave. As i was walking out, the lady that works there was like, "are these for you?" and i said yes....and she said, "did u try em on...they look a lil big for you" *MUSIC TO MY EARS* i was like ok whatever, ill try em on.....you neva know, maybe i gained weight and they gonna fit all tight. Well i was WRONG!!!!! *jumps around* i went down.. 3 fucken sizes!!!!! can you guys believe that shyt?!?!? I WENT DOWN 3 SIZES!!!! :) so yeah, when i was driving back home from my momz house i decided i wanted to go out to celebrate :)
anywho, im gonna go now....i wanna spend time with my momz, and see what other interesting conversation we'll have. Adios!
and i will loose more! im on a mission :)
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| are there any real girls out there?!?! |
[02 Sep 2004|01:17pm] |
isnt it so funny how people grow balls over night? tryin to act all hard and shyt, when just a couple of nights ago they were all crying for you and shyt. some people just trip me out. crazy people should wear signs on their shirts that say something like, "hi, im a psycho" that would be so cool. i hate gettin mixed up in someone elses emotional drama, its not how i get down. Shyt got me feelin like im back in high school. next thing i know, ill have someone telling me to "watch my back ay!" lmao.....plz!
are there any emotionally stable girls out there?
are there any girls out there that dont need a fucken hero in thier lives??!?!?
are there any girls out there that can handle truth?
girls who dont get everyone and they mommas involved in our relationship?
are all the girls out there insucure about themselves now?
fuck yall hoes man! on sum real shyt.....
this female drama is getting old, yall need to stop.
let me just say, something thats on my mind...without saying any names, and on a different subject........
"LO QUE ES DE UNO, NADIEN SE LO QUITA" SI ELLA DEVERDA FUERA TUYA...ENTONCES PORQUE FUE TAN FACIL QUE NOS EMPESARAMOS A GUSTAR? LO QUE PASA ES QUE TU SABES QUE NOSOTROS TENEMOS ALGO QUE NUNCA PODRA SER ENTRE USTEDES...POR ESO TIENES QUE DECIR PENDEJADAS COMO LAS QUE DICES...."SI TE JUNTAS CON ELLA, NUNCA TE VUELVO A HABLAR....." ALA VERGA CON ESAS CHINGADERAS!!! SABES EL PODER QUE TIENES SOBRE ELLA, Y PORQUE ME TIENES TANTA EMBIDIA LOS ESTAS USANDO. NO TE PRECUPES, TANTO LA ESTAS CHINGANDO QUE ELLA SOLA SE VA A DAR QUENTA QUE SE MERESE ALGO MEJOR...ALGUIEN COMO YO. COMO QUIERES QUE TE EXTRANE SI NISIQUIERA LE DAS TIEMPO PARA ASERLO......
PINCHES PUTAS YA ME TIENEN ARTA!!
I DONT USUALLY EXPLODE LIKE THIS, MY MOMMA TOLD ME THAT EVERYTHING IS SOLVED WITH LOVE, AND IVE BEEN DOIN THAT SHYT FOR SO LONG NOW.....BUT TODAY....OH BOY OH BOY....PLZ DONT FUCK WITH ME TODAY, BCUZ I WILL FUCK SOMEBODY UP SERIOUSLY....I WILL KNOCK YOUR MOTHA FUCKEN ASS FLAT. BELIEVE THAT SHYT
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[31 Aug 2004|05:44pm] |
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"I think that much of his life, inwardly and outwardly, must have involved a steady and, as it turned out, inwardly at least, a losing battle to survive. He battled for his existence and, like many defenseless humans, he had to use whatever odd little weapons came to hand. Acting up at school was part of it. He was granted to little attention that he must have panicked repeatedly about the possibility that, with a few slight mistakes, he might simply stop existing or being seen at all. I imagine this is one reason why he seemed so often to invite or court a tongue-lashing or a whipping. Doing anything at all t hat would make a teacher mad at him, scream at him, strike at him, would also have been a kind of ratification, even if it was painful, that he actually was there. Other times, outside of school, he might do things like pulling a fire alarm lever and then having the satisfaction of hearing the sirens and seeing the fire engines and knowing that it was all of his own doing and to his own credit, so that at least he would have proof in that way that his hands and his arm muscles and his mischievous imagination actually did count for something measurable in the world. Maybe the only way in which her could ever impinge upon other peoples lives was by infuriating them, but that at least was something. It was better than not having any use at all."
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[30 Aug 2004|04:43pm] |
i have a really bad headache, so i wanna go home straight from work, and knock the fuck out.
I hope nobody gives me shyt about that, because i will fucken cuss them out.
thanks, thanks alot.
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| the weekend..... |
[30 Aug 2004|10:54am] |
::Friday::
my day off, so i was being a bum and woke up hella late....at around 12. Jumped in dah shower and got online....took sum pics, called Windy to let her know that i was gonna go to the laundry mat. She said I should go to my laundry at her place. Didnt have to tell me twice!! lol....
Picked up my little sister, she's been tryin to ride Windy's little motor skooter thing. So yeah, that was funny cuz she didnt really know how...lol, she was making Windy run behind her, while i stood there and laughed at both of them. lmao...that was guh-reat! lol... We went to toy-r-us and played with the toys, and video games. Got some ice scream and went back to Windys to watch music videos, my sister had never seen a music video b4 (no cable) so she was all cool with it. We left Windys house, dropped mah sister off at home. And it was then when my day went down the fucken toilet......my brother girlfriend was there. This was the 1st time meeting her. Tell me why, as soon as i walked in there she gave me this "fuck you" face. OH NO! you dont do that shyt to me.....lets just say some shyt went down. She is a hoe, and my brother needs to let that shyt go. UGH, she's such a bytch. Drove back to nancyz house....and knocked the fuck out.
::Saturday::
Went to Knotts Berry Farm with my mother sister, and Windy. Had lots of fun. I didnt really get on any rides because im a big chicken...lol. And whut??! But my little sister and Windy were going on everything they could, while me and my mother watched and talked madd shyt about everyone. hahaha my moms gangsta i fucken love her. After Knotts we went to eat at Jack in the Box, i didnt really eat much, just some fries. I think thats all i had to eat the whole weekend.....yup it is! We all went back to my moms house, me and Windy was suppost to take a nap, but we ended up talking and looking at some old pictures of me. My mom really likes Windy...windy betta like her back! lol......drove windy back home, went back to nancyz house and knocked the fuck out....here are sum pics taken that day....
::Sunday::
THINK THINK THINK THINK.....thats all i did on sunday. Realized that i got this really cool tan from being in the sun the whole day on saturday....
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| time of my life |
[29 Aug 2004|10:23pm] |
its that time of my life again!
the time when i realize that im a fatass,
and start having some kind of eating disoder.....
havent had much to eat in the past 3 dayz,
i have a headache...but i wont eat.
last night i tryed to eat a sandwich and it made me fucken sick.
plz dont comment telling me why i shouldnt be doing this.
ive heard it all b4.
been thorugh it b4....so this isnt new
had bulimia for 2 years...
ill be aight
the only thing that worries me,
is that im always in a bad mood when i do this,
and start loosing friends cuz i tend to keep to myself alot.
which is the reason of this post.
to my friends,
please forgive me and try to stick with me.
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[29 Aug 2004|03:15pm] |
I wrote this a while back, i wrote it for someone, and i never got the chance to show it to her. I know that once she reads it, she will know im talking about her. I found it yesteday in my old picture box, i had forgotten all about it........
Never in my lifetime will I find someone as sweet, as honest and precious as her. I can truly say that girls like her are hard to find. Nobody treated me with such respect and love like she did. I had spent, what seems like a lifetime, looking for someone like her. Along with my search came a number of bad relationships, deceptions and lies. Now that I have found someone as true as her, I find myself lost, lost within my own perception of what "true happiness" is. There is a lot about me that I’m yet to understand, and deal with. There are a lot of feelings and ideas that I still need to grow out of. I have admitted to myself, that in order to do so, I must not drag a completely clueless person along with me. Especially not someone who as done nothing but honestly love me.
I have now realized that all this time I wasted in meaningless relationships and affairs......I lost my soul and my heart. Now that true love stands in front of me, in the form of a beautiful human being, now that my dream has becomes a reality, and that god has given me what I always asked for... I’m heartless, and don’t know what to do with this almost too overwhelming love.
She did nothing but love me, and I wasn’t ready for that. I guess what they say is true, "be careful what you wish for" I wished for someone to truly love me, and my wish was granted. Little did I know this would come after I had become completely heartless. I lost myself to meaningless and bad relationships. Now my mind believes that this is what it needs to be happy. I’m not saying that she didn’t make me happy, it’s just not the same kind of happiness that I get when someone is cussing me out, "because they love me"
I've learned that all of our perceptions of happiness are different. So its important for us to find out what really makes us happy, before trying to settle for someone else’s perceptions of happiness. (If that makes any sense)
I cheated her love, not once...but twice. I lied not once, but countless amounts of times, in such short amount of time. I don’t believe I did it because I’m a bad person. I did it because that’s what I’m used to my happiness being. Not that this justifies anything that I did, but it helps me find myself and who I really am.
The only thing left now to do is apologize to the lovely, honest and faithful woman who suffered in order for me to realize what my perception of happiness was. What I did was bad by all means, and I am a believer of bad karma. I know that eventually, I will pay for this terrible mistake. Down the road I will suffer just as much as she is now.
I just want this beautiful person to know that I do love her, but unfortunately.... she is not giving me the bad relationship that my mind knows as happiness. I don’t know if I can change any time soon. All I know is that I have to stop now because she deserves better than me.
And I, in a twisted way, deserve someone that will cheat on me, and mistreat me because that is what my mind thinks of as happiness.
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| To whom it may concern, |
[26 Aug 2004|12:07pm] |
I loved the way you were different from anyone else i dated in the past.
your style was different, and i loved it. It was like a whole new adventure for me.
You werent all "hard" and shyt, something that im SO tiered of.
As days pass, i see you tryin to act more and more hard.
I dont know if it is because you are tryin to be "my type"
but if you are, BAD IDEA. im tryin to get away from all that,
"i wanna be a thug" bullshyt.
When i first met you, you was hella gurly....
and i still felt myself attracted to you....
OH SO ATTRACTED TO YOU.
honestly, that was one of the biggest reasons why i called you the next day.
because i couldnt believe how attracted i was to you
even if you were very femmy :)
i just wanted to let you know that :)
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| picture time.... |
[26 Aug 2004|11:08am] |
i havent posted pictures here in a LONG TIME!
so...i have LOTS OF PICTURES behind the cut.
Nah, fa real....there is ALOT of them....lol.
I warned you!!!
( Read more... )
k maybe ill put the rest on another post....YUP!
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